Is it really my birthday?...Oh, yeah, I guess so...

Today I've got some plans, but they're not birthday-ish at all...

Soon I'm going to head over to the town office and get my car registered and then head down to the DMV and get my stickers for my plates...After that I'm hoping to connect with Don and a few other people and do some praying...

Then I'm probably going to just chill for the evening and see about getting to bed early-ish...

I'm working tomorrow, though I don't know what time (I need to call and find out...) Then if Z has gone home, I will be by myself in the kitchen all day on the second, although Beth will send some staff in to help me with some of the easier duties -- dishes and cleaning the floor and stuff like that...

Thankfully that will help some of my work go better...I really hope Z decides to stay on, but I'm not sure what his plans are, so we'll have to see what happens with that...

Oh...I guess I forgot to mention that I've got a new job...I work in the kitchen at a campground up on top of Pine Mountain in Gorham...It's a really neat place to work and my co-workers are all really cool...

I think it will be an awesome summer for me... It will carry me through until Mid-August and then I will have about two weeks to "regroup" before I start classes up again, and before I start subbing again...I'm going to try to get a part time job somewhere in addition to my subbing...

Well, I've got a lot to do today, and time is of the essence...

Have a beautiful day, everyone...
-Ramona Anne

*who is 29, and doesn't feel or act it at all...*

His Mercies Are New

The title says it all...Thank God for His incredible grace in our lives!!...

Finally finished!

Well, I finished my paper for my English class, finally. It always seems to take forever to write papers, but blogging or writing emails seems to go by so quickly...I wonder why that is?...

Since I'm done my English paper, and since tonight is the last night of my Physiology of Wellness class, I would dare say that today's my last day of the semester. Go me!

I have not got anything remarkable planned for the next week, although Sunday I am supposed to have a bird-watching excursion with some friends...That's still up in the air, though...

I don't have anything planned for Monday, and part of me wants to make plans, but part of me doesn't want to, either...I will probably at least go to the White Mountain Cafe and visit Andrea if she's working...

I have decided that I will most likely take the summer off from school. I really feel as though I need a break, and I also feel like I want to take time to draw closer to the Lord, and discover Him more, and discover who I am in Him...

I also want more time to "play outside" -- whether I spend extra time fishing, bird watching, honing my photography skills, or just walking around the property looking for Monarch caterpillars, I really think a short break from school to have more time outside and more time for myself would be a wise thing at this point.

Also, while I'm here...yesterday I said I wanted to talk about some dreams...Mostly, there's just this one that I want to talk about...

I had a dream early Tuesday morning that was really interesting...

In this dream there were two figures running around outside of my house...One was dark, shadowy, and evil...And was pursuing this other figure...The other figure finally found a place to hide, and the shadowy creature was trying to come into my house through the window screens...I started shutting the windows all around the house, keeping one step ahead of the spirit...

I came to the last window in the house, and realized first of all that there was no screen in it -- the screen was inside the house...I also realized that there was still someone outside...I looked down realized that it was a friend of mine... I asked her what she was doing there and she said "hiding...that thing is terrible!..." I said "I know...Get inside, quick!..." and I helped her in through the window...

She got in and was standing up behind me, and I was bent down for a brief second to get the screen and the spirit came towards the open window...I got up and stuck my head out the window and went to open my mouth to speak to it and to take authority over it...But then, a strange thing happened...When I opened my mouth I found that instead of speaking, I was ROARING...and the reason for that is because I had the head and mane of a lion....

When I did, the whole house shook, and so did some of the trees on the property...I pulled my head back inside the house and was myself again...

My friend then helped me put the screen back in and I closed the window...We didn't speak at all, though we did embrace...

That was about when I woke up...

Later on during the day Tuesday, I was litening to Misty Edwards and the song "Break The Chains" was playing...(For those that are wondering, Misty Edwards is a worship leader )...Anyhow, there's a part in "Break The Chains" that goes like this

"Who is this, garment stained red?...
Who is this, crowns on His head?...
Who is this running like a Lion?...
Who is this, He's roaring from Zion...
He's roaring from Zion..."

I didn't think too much about the song before that, really...But it's interesting to think about that part of it in light of the dream I had...

The other interesting thing is that I didn't even make the connection until I was listening to that song...I wasn't even really planning on listening to her, either...It just kind of happened, and then it all just came together...

I really think I should start keeping a dream journal...

Anyhow, I'm signing off for now...

Blessings to all,
-Ramona Anne

My mom thinks I'm typing my paper...

But I'm not!...*shh!* don't tell...

So, I chagned the layout of the blog a little bit, but it might not appear that way to most viewers...In fact, if I didn't know I changed the layout, I probably wouldn't have noticed...

One little change that I kind of like is the "drilldown" under the "Blog Archive" section...If you click on the little arrow things, it will open up a section where you can click to read my blogs that I posted each week...You can also click on the individual week's arrow and see the blog titles apparently...I kind of like that feature...

Anyhow, I really do need to go finish my English Paper...I have decided I can't blog anymore until I finish that, because it's due Friday and I really need to work on it...Once it's done, however, I will take a bit of time to blog about the dreams I've had lately and probably a few other things, too...

As always, thanks for reading,
-Ramona Anne

Changes...

This is the last week of the Spring semester at school...Time for changes once again...

I'm REALLY glad that my Physiology of Wellness class is almost over...(Tomorrow's the last meeting!...) The teacher was okay in the beginning but as time went on, I started to dislike her...That's unusual for me, I like pretty much everybody...She didn't have much compassion or understanding for any of the students, and I really felt like she just did not care, and that she almost was teaching the class because she "had to"...not because she wanted to...

I'm also fairly glad that my Readings in World Literature class is almost done, too, because that was a pretty heavy class...(I'm still not done the 6 to 10 page paper that's due Friday, but I have at least started it!...) I liked the reading and the writing, but I'll be glad when it's all over...

By far the best class this semester was Presentational Communications...I'm actually quite sad that we're done that class...I really liked getting up in front of the class and giving presentations...The instructor for that class is a believer, and it was so incredibly refreshing!...She actually prays for me...That just blows me away...(It always boggles my mind when people pray for me...And when they share how they are praying for me specifically -- that's something incredibly powerful!...)

She also truly cared about the students and was very understanding...She made class fun and was a great example of what an instructor should be...

I think Presentational Communications was the best class I have ever had through Granite State College...I really feel like I learned so much about myself in that class...

I learned a lot through the instructor, yes, but I also learned a lot from the other students and the bonding that took place in that classroom was really incredible...

Some of the other classes I really enjoyed at Granite State -- Intro To American Sign Language...Creativity: The Untapped Potential...The Writing Process...Experiencing the Arts (though I wouldn't suggest taking it as a weekend intensive...that was a little tiring!)...and Bird Ecology and Migration....

The bird class was tough, but I learned a lot, and it only developed my desire and passion for birdwatching...My aunt was in that class with me...Thankfully!...One day we were out on a field trip and there was a tick on me -- in the middle of my back near my bra...I am quite a modest person...I didn't want to ask just *anyone* to get it off of me...I suppose necessity would have won out over modesty if my aunt hadn't been there, but I was so glad she was there!!...

So, what am I taking this Summer?...Good question...you know, I haven't even registered for the summer...I'm actually still debating if I want to take summer classes or not...I've been really bad lately at procrastinating...I haven't even filled out all of the stuff for financial aid yet...I need to do that like, today, so I can fax them in tomorrow...Just in case I decide to take summer courses...

I almost feel like I want to take a break...Like I need to take one, actually...I've been taking classes non stop since I signed up in September of 2005...The thing is, I really want to hurry up and get done so I can get my post bacc. teaching certification and get a job teaching school...Also, I feel utterly lost without having classes...It's terrible...I'm almost like, addicted to classes...No joke...I love learning and discovering things...I just feel like I'd like a break, though...

I know during the long holiday break, I always feel totally empty and I never know what to do since I don't have classes...Of course, I'm usually visiting a lot of freinds and family over that time and I'm sort of relieved that I don't have classes or homework in one way, but also it always feels like part of me is gone for a little while...

I wonder if that's because I have made being a college student so much of my identity...It's not really who I am...I mean, yes, it's one aspect of who I am, and probably a large aspect of it at that...

It's not really my "identity"...It's certainly not who I am...

My identity should be found in Christ, and in Christ alone...

Being a student is more of a "label" I guess...A label that people placed on me, or that I placed on myself, who knows?...

Who am I?...Right now, I'm not really sure...

I went to prayer last night and one of the recurring things that keeeps coming up is clarity...Even in my own personal time with the Lord...It's almost as if I've been going in this one direction and at such incredible speed that I can't see clearly...Everything on the outside is a blur...

It's almost the end of June, and it really and truly feels like just yesterday that I was sitting in Carol's room, watching her sleeping in the hospital bed, singing "The More I Seek You" to her over and over again...That was on Dec. 30th...She went Home the following morning...

Six months later, and it seems like I've just been running blindly...

I need clarity and renewed vision...I think the Lord has been speaking to me some about this...I think He wants to fine-tune me even more, and I almost feel like there's going to be some major changes coming up...I can't speak too much about them just yet, because I need to be sure they are from Him...I can at this point, though, ask you all to please be praying for me...(I know some of you already do, and for that I thank you so very much!)

I guess I would ask you to pray for me to hear the voice of Truth clearly...and for a clearer vision and direction...And maybe strength and faith to do what the Lord is calling me to do...

Last night we closed prayer with the first verse and chorus of this song, which has been speaking to me a lot lately...

Voice of Truth
Casting Crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat
And then onto the crashing waves
To step out of my confort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me time and time again
Boy, you'll never win...You'll never win...

But the voice of Truth tells me a different story
The voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
And the voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
Of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd've had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me time and time again
Boy, you'll never win...You'll never win...

But the voice of Truth tells me a different story
The voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
And the voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they all seem so small
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound
Of Jesus singing over me

But the voice of Truth tells me a different story
The voice of Truth says "Do not be afraid"
And the voice of Truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of Truth

I guess that's about all for now...I'm sure later I'll have more to srite about, because there's been a lot of stuff going on in the past few days, actually...Dreams I've had that I really want to share on here...

To be continued...

Some Tough Questions

I have been thinking about Bobby's death a fair amount today, and thinking about his surgery and how it was suposed to help him live longer, but instead, it took his life.

I said to a few of my brothers "You know, he'd probably still be alive if he hadn't had the surgery."

And I was thinking about that a lot...And about how the Lord calls our lives to an end - or more specifically when He calls our lives to an end...

I know that our human/free will can over-ride the will of God...He will never force His will on us, we just have to chose to accept it or reject it...Or do the opposite...

Now I know the Lord isn't going to punish us that severely for disobedience, or for choosing our own will over His will for our lives...And half the time do we even really ask Him what His will is?...

But if the Lord does have all of our day numbered, and He knows when we sit, when we rise, and if He knows everything about us - when we are to be born and when we are to die...and if He has written our lives out for us...Then what happens if we try to re-write them?....

What if God didn't want Bobby to have the surgery?...(that is a possibility)...What if He had something else planned for Bobby, and Bobby just thought the surgery was the best option, but God knew better and God had more days planned for Bobby to live, but because of Bobby's choice, and the complications during and then afer surgery, Bobby lost his life?...

Does God re-write our days if we chose a different plan than what He has for us?...Does this re-write sometimes cause a decrease (or maybe an increase?) in those number of days?...

Let's say that Bobby didn't have the surgery, what would have happened?...Would he have died some other way, at the same time, or would he have lived another 10 years?...

The only one who knows that is God, I understand...However, these are just some of the questions that are running through my mind...

For whatever it's worth...

-Ramona Anne

Too Many Losses...

I am so sick of people dying...Last weekend my nephew's fatehr-in-law died...I didn't go to the services, I just didn't have it in me...Over the weekend, my mom's cousin, Bobby Bill, who I was fairly close to, died of what we presume are complications following a rather uncommon 7-bypass heart surgery...

Now, two deaths isn't necessarily a terrible thing...However...On Dec. 31st a very, very good friend of mine lost her 16 year battle with cancer...About a week & a half later her son & his wife lost their baby...Not long after that my Uncle John died...While I was out of town for uncle John's services, my "next door" neighbour emailed me to tell me her grandmother had died...I got home from Enfield and turned around and went to the evening calling hours for Mertie, and the funeral the next morning...Things calmed down for oh, about a week...Then my daddy's brother, uncle Don, died...and then on Feb. 14th my mom's cousin Moses "Billy" Bill died...Six deaths in as many weeks...and now there are these other two...Oh, also, my Aunt Regina's mother in law, Gladys passed away a couple of weeks ago as well...I forgot about that one...So really, that's nine deaths since the beginning of the year...I've only made calling hours and memorial services for four of them, although I plan on going down for Bobby's services...

I missed Billy's which really was difficult for me...My mom's cousins (and her siblings) are awesome and they are all very, very close...Losing Billy and Bobby are like losing Aunts & Uncles, really...I used to dance with Billy at the family reunions, and he always could get me laughing till my belly hurt...Bobby used to make some of the best desserts and bring those to family reunions and family gatherings that my aunt would have at her house...It's not like just because they were my mom's cousins, they were strangers to me...They're my family, and while we might have only seen each other a few times a year, we were close...

So, yeah...I'm having a hard time handling all of these deaths, and I'm hoping that things will settle down and get a bit brighter in my life soon...

Of course, there will be a new addition to the family later this month...Ray & Kelly (bro. & sis-in-law) are expecting their first little blessing on the 23rd...Incidentally, that's Ray's birthday, too...That will be a good thing...

Thanks for reading,
-Ramona Anne

Time for an update...

But before I launch full force into the update, I have a few things I should address from past blog posts...First of all, I figured out thow the mysterious Ice Cream Cone guy was...It's someone that knows my family and he goes by the nickname Bouncer...I forget his first name, but his last name is Douglass...

Also, the weekend of the family reunion, I didn't get to go see Emmylou & Alison, nor did I catch any of the SoulFest, but I *did* get to see Bill Mallonee & Jason Harrod...They were playing at Club Passim in Cambridge, Mass. and my cousin JJ & I went together...

Also, I have since told my mom about things that took place with my brother Albert, but not too much has taken place on that front beyond that...

Now, for the official update....

So...What's happening? you may ask...Well, mom's in Alaska...She has been for a month, and she'll come home in two weeks...I can hardly wait...(She's helping Tanya with the kids while Jim is in Texas for training for the Guards...)

I think I mentioned that I'm working towards my BS in Elementary Ed, and I'm taking three classes this term...Also, I'm back at Granite State College...I left Lyndon in December and haven't really looked back...

I really love my Monday night class, Presentational Communications...The class is pretty small and the teacher is super nice...My Thursday night class, Physiology of Wellness is also pretty small, and I enjoy that class as well...The teacher for that is nice, too, and I'm enjoying that class...Tonight I saw one moose on the way home from class...Tis the season, I suppose...

My other class meets online...It's Readings in World Literature, and I'm enjoying that a great deal as well...

I really think my Comm. class is my favourite...I like having a platform to share from, and besides, it's a great opportunity for me to be in front of a classroom which is what I will eventaully be doing once I graduate...

...

What else is going on?...Not much, really....Church is okay, though I feel like I'm going through a dry spell...Last night (Wednesday) I had an opportunity to minister to someone who was really broken...And I just didn't have anything to offer her...I had nothing left to give...I felt like my prayers were hollow, empty, and ineffective...

I don't have it as "together" as people think I do...I try to put on a brave front, pretend like everything's okay...Lately, though, it's gotten harder and harder to do that, and things just come to the surface and regardless of whether I want them to or not, they get revealed...Some people just look away...Others who seem to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and the Father's heartbeat will put a finger on it and see what happens from there...

I shared briefly with my friend Don this morning (Thursday) in an email that I really felt like I didn't have much more left to offer or to give...When my friend called me and had me go up, I knew she expected me to watch the boys...I should have known there was more than meets the surface...

She came back and had a lot of heavy questions that I really didn't have any solid responses to...The hard questions of life like "If God restores and heals then how come He hasn't restored and healed my relationship with my husband?...Why does Eric still have contact with this other girl?...Why is the enemy attacking me so much?..." and I just stood there, totally empty, and not even sure what to say or do...So I said to her "Let's call Don..." So we did and invited him over, since he lives just down the road...He couldn't come up, but he spent some time ministering to my friend on the phone and then she and I prayed together, although I really didn't feel like my prayers were that powerful of effective last night...

Last night was the first time I felt like I had nothing at all to offer or to give...I honestly didn't even want to listen to what she was dealing with...Usually I don't mind being there for people...Listening to what's happening with them...Offering advice and help and support...But lately I really feel like I'm fighting for my own life, trying to pull myself out of the pit, the last thing I can really do is help someone else right now...I just feel like any fight I have left really needs to be used to get myself where I need to be...

....

On the way home from class tonight I was listening to my iPod and I wanted to listen to the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns, which really has a way of grabbing my attention from time to time...Right after that song is another great tune called "Stained Glass Masquerade" which really seems to fit my life right now...I just feel so broken, so empty...I feel spent and stretched...And I feel like I really can't keep that up anymore...

This evening, I was returning a book to a friend and former instructor...This person knows me fairly well, and she looked at me and knew I wasn't doing well...Lately people are reading me better than I would like for them to...Maybe that's a good thing, though, because maybe it is time to let people see the real me...Maybe it's time to get rid of the false front, and time to be a bit more honest and real...Or maybe not...

But I will just have to trust that if they are seeing through my fake smiles they will be able to offer some sort of comfort, some sort of hope, some sort of encouragement...and that maybe they really do truly care about me...Maybe it's time to set some boundaries with people and stop trying to be so much for so many others, and take the time to take care of myself, and get my life back on track where it should be...

Anyhow...here's the song...It really speaks to me a lot, and maybe it will to some of you, as well...

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded in
The altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small?

So...Yeah...I've really been feeling like that lately...I'm sure part of it is an attack from the enemy, especially after the incredible healing and freedom that took place back in Feburary, but I just really feel like there's a lot of hurt that still needs to be healed...


Okay...I'm off to bed now...I need to get my rest, becuase I have a paper to write tomorrow, or today, since it's officially after midnight...

Blessings to all,
-Ramona Anne