i was making some mention to peg about my recent family reunion and i said "my brother's fiancee wasn't there becuase she thought a chiropractor's appointment was more important..." and then she said "which brother is that?..." i told her "my brother ray..." she asked me "is he the one that abused you?..." i said "no...that's albert..."
and i think i finished talking about the wedding and then somehow, a whole conversation about my brother albert's abuse towards me unfolded...
it was not anything i cared to talk about, honestly...
i think she asked me what my mom thought or said about it, and i told her "i don't think she even knows..." she looked at me and said "she doesn't know?..." i said "i've never really told her..."
boy, that was a mistake, sharing that bit of information...
she was telling me that i should tell my mom...and that i should also sit down and have a conversation with my mom and albert together and tell albert that even though what he did was wrong, and that it was a violation, i forgive him...
she said i couldn't move forward in what God had planned for my life until i did that, and that in order to be released and fully forgiven myself, i would need to forgive and release my brother, and that until i did that, God wouldn't forgive me...
now...i thought i'd forgiven my brother...i really have tired to...just because i don't feel safe around him and just because i don't want to be sleeping under the same roof as him, doesn't mean i haven't forgiven him...it just means that i don't feel safe and i don't trust him...there is a difference...
i buy him gifts at Christmas time...i talk to him on the phone sometimes when he calls...i did some favors for him when he was in jail...(i called someone for him - actually an older gentleman who is a pastor, who has ministered several times at my church...and asked him to contact this other person...so i called pastor leo and asked him to get in touch with this other guy and ask about some of albert's belongings...)
i really have to make a concious effort to be nice to my brother some days...especially when he is treating me like crap...(i'm only human, you know)...
but i really feel like i have healed and moved on A LOT in my life...honestly, i do....
so to have peg tell me that i should a.) tell my mom what happened... and b.) sit down and have a conversation with albert and her about it and c.) that God wouldn't move in my life until i did these things...really put me in a bit of a funk...
the more she talked to me, and the more i shared with her, the "smaller" i felt...i literally felt myself regressing to when i was a little girl...to when these certain events would be taking place...and i felt lost, stranded, hurt, sad, lonely, unloved, ugly, all of these things...and all because of this conversation....
i'm still strugling with some of these feelings and thoughts and it's been a few days...
i really felt as though i was in a good place before this conversation happened...but when it was taking place, i felt myself go back, and i don't think that's where God wants me...
...
many many years ago, when i was in oh...fifth grade, maybe, i had reported some sexual abuse stuff...not the ones with my brother, but with some other people...i had been talking about it all day at school, and the last thing i wanted to do was talk about it any more when i got home...however, my mom kept pestering me and badgering me about it and i finally had a nuclear meltdown...
she asked me if my brother albert had ever done anything to me...and i wanted to, at that point, shut her up and get myself to bed so i wouldn't have to talk about it anymore...so i said no so i wouldn't have to talk about it anymore...
and i went about my life...
so, that's part of the reason i don't want to tell my mom...after all, why should i bother her with it...she's almost 72...i don't feel that it's that important to tell her...for lots of reasons..i know it will cause huge waves in the family...even worse than there already are....he'll deny it, of course...it'll be my word against his...and it'll make my mom feel like she has to choose sides...
i remember having to put a restraining order on him in the past...for domestic violence....and even though he violated that several times, she still sided with him....i was 16 at the time...
so, where would she land this time around?...whose side would she take?...she shouldn't have to take anyone's side, really...
it hurts...it hurts my heart to think of putting my mom in that position...and it hurts knowing that she's likely to side with him...for whatever reason....she's done it many times in the past...what would make her change now?...
so, i'm in this place...and it's not a fun one to be in...it's hard...
especially with no real great church support system or anything around, either...(i've not been to church since early june, really...i have to work sudnays...thankfully only until the end of the month, though...)
so anyhow, that's where i'm at...that's what happened monday in keene...
i've not made any decisions yet as to what i'm going to do...
i know this:
my brother is not a safe person...he's been known to randomly lose his temper and explode and he's dangerous when he's like that...sitting down with him is NOT a good idea...(i had mentioned some of this stuff to my cousin JJ and the thing about that is that he isn't saved, but he knows the family, good bad and ugly...and he said "sit down with albert?...do you have a death wish?...that's not safe, you know..." i said "yeah...i know..." ... so that is one idea that i'll probably nix...)
but, what about telling my mom?...and the way it sounded like God's moving in my life was conditional upon telling my mom and having that conversation with her and my brother?...
i'm really just stuck in all of this...and wishing someone could help pull me out...that's all for now...
to be continued...
