sometimes i feel like this guy here...

sometimes i feel like this guy here ... the one holding the bug in the jar, i guess... (other times i feel like the other guy, too, though...)

http://www.explodingdog.com/october24/hug.html ... "i just want a hug" .... yeah...that's how i feel so much of the time...

....

i feel so disconnected sometimes, and so un-real ... not un-real as in fake or pretensious...un-real as in sometimes i feel like i don't even exist...i feel like i'm not really here...i don't feel any connetions to anything, really, and i just feel like i'm "out there"...like i'm just a figment of someone's imaginaton or something...and i feel like at any second i just won't exist anymore...and that nobody will even realize i've gone away...

and that almost makes me feel like crying...

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also, sometimes, i'll feel so very hurt, but i don't let people know...i'll be having a really bad day, and nobody will even know...(but there are a few (very few!) people who can see through my best and strongest defenses, and i am so thankful for them...) ...

all that to say -- today, i'm having a weird day...i'm torn between feeling hurt and feeling like i'm part of someone's imagination....and i'm hurting so much today, i really am...and all i feel like i want is to just not exist anymore...to not be here...and again, i almost want to cry...maybe not so much because of the hurt...but because i feel like i just don't want to be here, and i'm afraid of that...i'm VERY afraid of that...

....

you see...something took place yesterday and it was a sort of innocent thing, i'm sure, but there was something that was said by a friend of mine that just triggered a whole flood of memories....

i know this person probably has no clue how i'm feeling (and do they even care, really?...i think they might, and i'm sure if they knew what was happening with me, they might try to help me feel better...but i guess you just really never know, do you?....) .... anyways, they said something...

and there was this one little word in a sentence...and it hit me like a ton of bricks...and i cringed, and i closed my eyes for a moment, and i wished with all my heart that i hadn't heard that word...and i knew then that i would have a rough day -- emotionally speaking -- today...

my back was to her when she said what she did...i was on the way to put my stuff in my mom's van after class...i guess i'm thankful for that, because i know that my face would have given away a lot more than i would have felt comfortable letting someone see....even someone who cares about me like she says she does...

it seems like just when you think you're "all set" with certain things, something comes up and damn it all, there it is again....

i hate that i still remember certain things...(and i hate that there are some pleasant things that i've forgotten...) ...

i hate that i still am not "over it"...or "healed from it"... or whatever i should be....

...

and i know i've come a long way...but i see now that i also still have a ways to go....

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anyways, it was a weird kind of day for me today...

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in other "normal" day-to-day news -- i had bloodwork and my breathing test today...apparently the guy seemed to think everything was "okay" and "normal" but i'll have an appointment next week with the ENT specialist to go over everything....i guess we'll see...

also, today i was going to run something into the church office at my mom's church and this guy pulled up like, right behind me and asked me if the pastor was around...i said "i don't know?...i don't come to church here...i'm just bringing something into the church office for my mom..." and he said "well, i need to talk to the pastor, i'm almost out of gas, and i need some money..." i said "well, maybe if you go in?..." and he said "i'm in a wheelchair, i can't go in..." i said "well...i don't know what to tell you?..." and he asked if i could go see if he was there...so i said i could do that...

the priest wasn't in, and so i had to go back and tell that guy and he was obviously angry or upset about something...and he was almost like, taking it out on me...as if i had anything to do with anything?!...then he mentioned that he needed gas money to get to manchester and that he couldn't stay anywhere tonight so he had to go to manchester...and i said "i'm really sorry, i can't help you..."

it was just really odd, though....in lots of ways...

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i guess that's about all for now...i'm really tired, and i think i want to go relax for a while....i babysat josh & abby today...i really love those kids...i'm going to watch thgem again tomorrow and thursday, which will be nice, and it'll be a little more money in my pocket, which is never a bad thing....


until next time...

-ramona anne