Time for an update...

But before I launch full force into the update, I have a few things I should address from past blog posts...First of all, I figured out thow the mysterious Ice Cream Cone guy was...It's someone that knows my family and he goes by the nickname Bouncer...I forget his first name, but his last name is Douglass...

Also, the weekend of the family reunion, I didn't get to go see Emmylou & Alison, nor did I catch any of the SoulFest, but I *did* get to see Bill Mallonee & Jason Harrod...They were playing at Club Passim in Cambridge, Mass. and my cousin JJ & I went together...

Also, I have since told my mom about things that took place with my brother Albert, but not too much has taken place on that front beyond that...

Now, for the official update....

So...What's happening? you may ask...Well, mom's in Alaska...She has been for a month, and she'll come home in two weeks...I can hardly wait...(She's helping Tanya with the kids while Jim is in Texas for training for the Guards...)

I think I mentioned that I'm working towards my BS in Elementary Ed, and I'm taking three classes this term...Also, I'm back at Granite State College...I left Lyndon in December and haven't really looked back...

I really love my Monday night class, Presentational Communications...The class is pretty small and the teacher is super nice...My Thursday night class, Physiology of Wellness is also pretty small, and I enjoy that class as well...The teacher for that is nice, too, and I'm enjoying that class...Tonight I saw one moose on the way home from class...Tis the season, I suppose...

My other class meets online...It's Readings in World Literature, and I'm enjoying that a great deal as well...

I really think my Comm. class is my favourite...I like having a platform to share from, and besides, it's a great opportunity for me to be in front of a classroom which is what I will eventaully be doing once I graduate...

...

What else is going on?...Not much, really....Church is okay, though I feel like I'm going through a dry spell...Last night (Wednesday) I had an opportunity to minister to someone who was really broken...And I just didn't have anything to offer her...I had nothing left to give...I felt like my prayers were hollow, empty, and ineffective...

I don't have it as "together" as people think I do...I try to put on a brave front, pretend like everything's okay...Lately, though, it's gotten harder and harder to do that, and things just come to the surface and regardless of whether I want them to or not, they get revealed...Some people just look away...Others who seem to be more sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and the Father's heartbeat will put a finger on it and see what happens from there...

I shared briefly with my friend Don this morning (Thursday) in an email that I really felt like I didn't have much more left to offer or to give...When my friend called me and had me go up, I knew she expected me to watch the boys...I should have known there was more than meets the surface...

She came back and had a lot of heavy questions that I really didn't have any solid responses to...The hard questions of life like "If God restores and heals then how come He hasn't restored and healed my relationship with my husband?...Why does Eric still have contact with this other girl?...Why is the enemy attacking me so much?..." and I just stood there, totally empty, and not even sure what to say or do...So I said to her "Let's call Don..." So we did and invited him over, since he lives just down the road...He couldn't come up, but he spent some time ministering to my friend on the phone and then she and I prayed together, although I really didn't feel like my prayers were that powerful of effective last night...

Last night was the first time I felt like I had nothing at all to offer or to give...I honestly didn't even want to listen to what she was dealing with...Usually I don't mind being there for people...Listening to what's happening with them...Offering advice and help and support...But lately I really feel like I'm fighting for my own life, trying to pull myself out of the pit, the last thing I can really do is help someone else right now...I just feel like any fight I have left really needs to be used to get myself where I need to be...

....

On the way home from class tonight I was listening to my iPod and I wanted to listen to the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns, which really has a way of grabbing my attention from time to time...Right after that song is another great tune called "Stained Glass Masquerade" which really seems to fit my life right now...I just feel so broken, so empty...I feel spent and stretched...And I feel like I really can't keep that up anymore...

This evening, I was returning a book to a friend and former instructor...This person knows me fairly well, and she looked at me and knew I wasn't doing well...Lately people are reading me better than I would like for them to...Maybe that's a good thing, though, because maybe it is time to let people see the real me...Maybe it's time to get rid of the false front, and time to be a bit more honest and real...Or maybe not...

But I will just have to trust that if they are seeing through my fake smiles they will be able to offer some sort of comfort, some sort of hope, some sort of encouragement...and that maybe they really do truly care about me...Maybe it's time to set some boundaries with people and stop trying to be so much for so many others, and take the time to take care of myself, and get my life back on track where it should be...

Anyhow...here's the song...It really speaks to me a lot, and maybe it will to some of you, as well...

"Stained Glass Masquerade"

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small
Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded in
The altar for a stage
The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On the stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small?

So...Yeah...I've really been feeling like that lately...I'm sure part of it is an attack from the enemy, especially after the incredible healing and freedom that took place back in Feburary, but I just really feel like there's a lot of hurt that still needs to be healed...


Okay...I'm off to bed now...I need to get my rest, becuase I have a paper to write tomorrow, or today, since it's officially after midnight...

Blessings to all,
-Ramona Anne